How to Practice Gratitude
What does it mean, to “practice” gratitude? Here’s how I think of it. We all have fleeting grateful thoughts: Ooh, look at that sunset! Or, Gosh, my baby is beautiful. Those are sensations of gratitude. They are almost accidental. Practicing gratitude is more intentional. It’s dedicating a certain space or time of day to the cultivating of grateful thoughts. So how does one start to practice gratitude?
3 METHODS FOR PRACTICING GRATITUDE
Write in a gratitude journal. This seems to be the most popular one, and I can see why. Those shimmering journals beckon from bookstore shelves, holding the promise of an instant gratitude practice: All you need to do is write one sentence a day! Simple! And, there are proven health benefits to keeping a gratitude journal. The problem I’ve found is that people rarely stick to writing in their gratitude journal. They might start off strong, but slowly the journal gets buried beneath novels, and with it all good intentions.
Write thank you notes, or gratitude letters. (I like to say “thank you notes” because it sounds less intimidating.) Instead of writing about a cherished memory of a dear friend in a gratitude journal, just write to the friend. Not only will you get all those health benefits and good vibes that come with a gratitude practice, when you sit with a feeling of warmth and gratitude, you pass along that positive feeling to the person responsible.
Act on your gratitude. You don’t need to write out a letter every time you feel grateful if that’s not your style. But when a grateful thought enters your mind, extend the feeling by sharing it. Text a parent to tell them about the childhood memory that just came to mind; email a mentor and let her know her advice is still ringing in your ears.
BENEFITS OF PRACTICING GRATITUDE
Praticing gratitude has proven health benefits for you. Sitting with your positive, grateful feelings rewires your brain until you slowly become a happier person. As Brother David Steindl-Rast put it in his popular TED talk: “If you think it’s happiness that makes you grateful, think again. It’s gratefulness that makes you happy.”
Sharing your gratitude with the people responsible feels great to them. In my Thank You Year, when I sent 365 people thank you notes, I lost count of the number of times I heard a variation on this response: “Thank you for sending that note—I’ve been going through a hard time, and this helped.” We overestimate the potential awkwardness of a heartfelt gratitude letter, and we underestimate its impact on the recipient. I am paraphrasing Amit Kumar, co-author of this study about the incredible impact of gratitude letters.
HOW TO PLAN A THANK YOU YEAR
In what I called my Thank You Year—when I paved the way for a lifelong gratitude practice—I sent out 365 thank you notes, and each month was dedicated to a different group of recipients. (Mine included friends, family members, neighbors, career mentors, favorite authors, parenting helpers and healthcare workers.) You can dedicate a year to practicing gratitude without following this exact formula. While I wrote 365 notes in 12 topics, you could fill in those numbers however you see fit. Example: You could choose 6 groups of recipients, and you could write a letter to 5 or 10 people in each category (30 or 60 total).
Come up with some goal numbers, and then find the topics you’d want to focus on. Thinking about the aspects of life that are most important to you is a beneficial and fun exercise in and of itself. Here’s how to find your list of Thank You Year topics—your first step in developing a gratitude practice.
Brainstorm topics. Feel free to start with some of mine, such as friends, family, neighbors, or career mentors. But really, what matters is you. Ask yourself: What do I love? Which hobbies or habits are important to me? Which memories do I want to revisit? Set a timer for five minutes, and write down your initial ideas.
Choose twelve. (Or, 6 or 8 or 10—you don’t need to organize this by the calendar year.) Underline the options that feel the most solid, where potential recipients are already coming to mind. Ask yourself if any of the topics come from an obligatory place. If it sounds like a chore, cross it out.
Refine your topics. Inspect your underlined themes and think about whether you’d like to keep them broad (theater, music, travel), more specific (Sondheim musicals, jazz concerts, Italy trips), or a mix of both. Look at your emerging list of categories. Is it starting to feel like a blueprint of your inner life? Is anything missing?
Assign topics to months. Think about what you might be in the mood to focus on at different times of the year. I dedicated my summer months to lighter topics—food, travel—and turned to the more serious task of thanking my career mentors in September. I figured November would be a good time to write to my family members, as I’d be seeing many of them around Thanksgiving anyway.
Stay flexible. Remember that this list is only an outline. It’s meant to be fleshed out, revisited, and updated throughout the year.
START THE FIRST MONTH’S GRATITUDE CAMPAIGN
Here’s how it works.
STEP ONE: Decide how many letters you’d like to write in the first month, if you haven’t already. I propose four—that’s one per week (manageable, right?)—but you can choose any number you’d like.
STEP TWO: Jot down a list of recipients. I found “neighbors” to be a good jumping off point, so I’ll use that as an example: Brainstorm your list of 1 or 4 or 8 or 10 neighbors to thank. Think—the folks who live next door, parents at your kids’ school, owners of your favorite coffee shop and local bookstore.
STEP THREE: Decide your letter-writing method, and gather your supplies. While I like the tactile feeling of writing on cards or stationery, and recipients appreciate the surprise in the mailbox, email is (obviously) easier to accomplish. Don’t let perfection be the enemy of the good: Sending a gratitude letter through email is (far!) better than not sending one at all.
STEP FOUR: Draft the first gratitude letter. I tend not to outline mine beforehand (it’s a fussy extra step that can act as a deterrent). I do shut off all other distractions: I sit by myself, turn off any podcasts or TV shows, and I think about the recipient and what I want to thank them for. Once I’ve reflected for a few moments, recalling a memory or two, I write the letter, and include those specific memories.
If you’d like to hear more about the year I spent developing my gratitude practice, you could order my book, I Want to Thank You. And thank YOU for reading to the bottom!